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Thread: Calvinist Hymnal released

  1. #1

    Calvinist Hymnal released

    U.S.—A coalition of Reformed churches in America announced Tuesday a revised hymnal, including hundreds of classic hymns that have been newly edited to reflect a more Calvinistic view of God and salvation.

    We took any hymn that talked about a ‘decision’ or ‘choice’ being made on the part of man and axed those God-forsaken lines right out of there,” a spokesperson for the Reformed alliance of churches told reporters.

    “Now we can all sing along with beloved, albeit slightly altered, lines like ‘O Lamb of God, you come! You come!’ and ‘Jesus paid it all, if you are elect.'”

    “I tell you what, it feels great to sing along with all these songs with great confidence, knowing every line is completely consistent with your theological construct,” he added.

    The announcement made by elders presiding at the Union confirmed several favorites, including the list below:

    Harshly and Angrily, Jesus Is Coming
    Be Thou My Craft Brew
    God Has Decided That I Will Follow Him
    Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus, As Long As Your Arms Stay Down
    Take My Beard And Let It Be
    Fairest John Calvin

    The hymnals are reportedly available now, at an “irresistible” price, according to the spokesperson.











































    http://babylonbee.com/news/calvinist-hymnal-released/


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  3. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by FaithfulOne View Post

    ...God Has Decided That I Will Follow Him


    Crazy theology.

    This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity (futility) of their mind, having the understanding darkened...
    (Ephesians 4:17-18)

    Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly...
    (Psalm 1)

  4. #3
    Super Moderator Quest's Avatar
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    "The hymnals are reportedly available now, at an “irresistible” price, according to the spokesperson."

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    Administrator fuego's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FaithfulOne View Post
    U.S.—A coalition of Reformed churches in America announced Tuesday a revised hymnal, including hundreds of classic hymns that have been newly edited to reflect a more Calvinistic view of God and salvation.

    We took any hymn that talked about a ‘decision’ or ‘choice’ being made on the part of man and axed those God-forsaken lines right out of there,” a spokesperson for the Reformed alliance of churches told reporters.

    “Now we can all sing along with beloved, albeit slightly altered, lines like ‘O Lamb of God, you come! You come!’ and ‘Jesus paid it all, if you are elect.'”

    “I tell you what, it feels great to sing along with all these songs with great confidence, knowing every line is completely consistent with your theological construct,” he added.

    The announcement made by elders presiding at the Union confirmed several favorites, including the list below:

    Harshly and Angrily, Jesus Is Coming
    Be Thou My Craft Brew
    God Has Decided That I Will Follow Him
    Stand Up, Stand Up For Jesus, As Long As Your Arms Stay Down
    Take My Beard And Let It Be
    Fairest John Calvin

    The hymnals are reportedly available now, at an “irresistible” price, according to the spokesperson.











































    http://babylonbee.com/news/calvinist-hymnal-released/

    I knew it when I saw the title of the thread.

  6. #5
    Senior Member Colonel's Avatar
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    A shorter version has been released for half the price, containing the single line hymn :

    "I AM ELECT"

  7. #6
    That's funny, but now I'm thinking of similar copy for the Arminian hymnal. How about this:

    The publisher reports they're selling like crazy because people keep losing them.

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  9. #7
    Senior Member Colonel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bookman View Post
    That's funny, but now I'm thinking of similar copy for the Arminian hymnal. How about this:

    The publisher reports they're selling like crazy because people keep losing them.
    "Keep throwing them away" or "destroy them thinking they are indestructible" would be accurate.

  10. #8
    * Toxic Troll - Negative Nancy Farm Truck's Avatar
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    They should come out with a Universalist Hymnal... wonder how those lyrics would read...

  11. #9
    when I saw this the other day I actually laughed out loud. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?!

    I heartly recommend the Babylon Bee often.

    they are fabulous.

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  13. #10
    * Toxic Troll - Negative Nancy Farm Truck's Avatar
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    Yeah, lots of folks enjoy the musings of babylon... it's a great way to get this world's wisdom and humor.

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