Thread: What NOT to say to those hurt by the church

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/...hurch#comments

1. "No Church Is Perfect."
Instead of empathizing with those who have been hurt by a church, some Christians go right into defense mode.
They might argue that the victim just had a "bad experience." Or, they'll say the Church is full of imperfect people who are "only human" and make mistakes just like the rest of us.
But can we agree that these excuses only distract from the problem? No one wants to be told to "focus on all the good things the Church does" when they've been hurt by one. It doesn't matter how many thousands of people have been positively affected by a church or ministry. The good experiences don't cancel out the bad ones.

2. "Are You Working Toward Reconciliation?"
The last thing a victim of spiritual abuse needs to do is go right back into the environment that hurt them in the first place.
If someone has been attacked by a dog, would you tell them to go back and risk getting bitten again? Christians who insist on reconciliation in the face of spiritual abuse are forgetting one important thing: Abusive people can't always be reasoned with.
Not only is it dangerous to ask a victim to make amends with their abusers, it also puts an undue burden of responsibility on the victim to come up with a solution. It's like saying, "They're the ones who hurt you, but now it's your job to make it right."

3. "I Don't Want to Gossip."
If a pastor or staff member is mistreating someone in the congregation, it's not gossip for that person to talk about it. In fact, it's not even gossip for you to talk about it.
Imagine if you found out your brother-in-law was beating your sister. Would your first response be, "That's none of my business"? The same way domestic abuse involves a whole family, spiritual abuse involves a whole church family. The abuse may have taken place in private, but that doesn't make it a private matter.
As Christians, if we're going to start taking spiritual abuse seriously, we need to stop comparing it to gossip.

4. "What are Non-Believers Going to Think?"
Have you ever read a headline about a Christian going public against a church or ministry and thought to yourself, "Is this providing a good witness?" If you're more concerned about the church's reputation than you are about the abuse itself, you might have your priorities mixed up.
As Christians, we can get so preoccupied with how outsiders view the Church that we put appearances before the truth. When we try to control the narrative, we substitute the reality of the Church for our own ideal of the Church. All we're showing the world is that we prefer a false witness over a bad one.

5. "Stop Being so Bitter."
People who have been hurt by a church have a right to be angry. Not only is anger an appropriate response to injustice, it's a healthy response if it's channeled the right ways.
So why do Christians have such a hard time letting each other express negative emotions? Why do we always have to fish for some deeper spiritual problem like a root of bitterness or unforgiveness?
The other day I heard someone put it this way: "Religion will molest you, then accuse you of being bitter about it." Do you see the double standard? When victims react to being hurt by someone in a church, we treat them as though there's something's wrong with them. This is why abusers are so often exonerated. It's easier to justify letting the abuser off the hook if both parties are "in the wrong."

6. "Is This Worth Dividing the Church Over?"
How it might affect the congregation should never be the deciding factor in whether or not to expose abuse.
This one especially hits home for me. When I escaped my abusive situation in Africa, my pastor wanted to sweep the whole ordeal under the rug. My silence, I was told, was for the greater good of the Gospel. It wasn't a suggestion—it was an ultimatum. If I didn't keep quiet, he warned, I would bring division to the entire congregation.
One of the most effective ways to silence a victim is to fill them with a false sense of guilt. The victim is led to believe that talking is only going to make things worse, and whatever happens as a result is their fault.
Certainly, exposing spiritual abuse can divide a congregation. But that's not a consequence of the victim talking. It's a consequence of the abuse perpetrated in the first place.

There's one thing that's even more important than knowing what not to say to someone who has been hurt by church. And that is, to simply listen.

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/...HUwPYpYSMh6.99

Soooo....what should someone say that would promote healing?

I'd rather hear nothing than be put through the items listed above. Been there, done that. Folks who use the items listed above to "help" end up making the victim the bad guy and defending the abuser. They may mean well but it isn't helpful.

I thought this was posted months ago...and we had a very lengthy discussion about it.

Might have, it sounds familiar.

Originally Posted by CatchyUsername

I thought this was posted months ago...and we had a very lengthy discussion about it.

I had the same thought before I posted it..it might have been me but I'm not sure if it got lost in the shuffle between forum moves..

#6 is the one I've dealt with over the past few years...a matter of "knowing too much" yet can't (not really proper or PC) address it. Very frustrating and discouraging.

Originally Posted by Quest

Soooo....what should someone say that would promote healing?

So.. what is the best thing to say to someone who has been hurt by the church??

Originally Posted by Barrie

So.. what is the best thing to say to someone who has been hurt by the church??

Find a good lawyer

In all seriousness


The key is to make sure that hurting people are restored with compassion and not blasted with 'CLICHES'. They need to be able to vent in a safe environment and not threatened they will turn into a bitter backslider.

I have had sheep come to me who have a issue with a pastor I know. I am not there to rebuke them for gossip or slander. My first job is to LISTEN to their pain and then DISCERN how to solve the problem. I am not supposed to threaten them I will tell the pastor your terrible attitude and you better get right with God

Also don't use meaningless cliches to sound spiritual

I need to find out what God is saying about the situation. Maybe they are offended because they need to be offended and God used the pastor to deal with them
Or maybe the pastor is a jerk and said something very hurtful and God wants me to bring healing to their heart.

I have seen both sides but ultimately what you are trying to achieve is healing and restoration between Christian brothers and sisters.

I told a youth leader who was bullied by their pastor (who I knew) that if they tried to bully you one more time you will quit because the pastor was threatening to sack them if they didn't 'perform'
Well he was shocked when this leader took the initiative and said they would quit and he backed right down.

I also had to publically rebuke a friend of mine who was slandering the church publically because his attitude was rotten.

My wife was personally vilified in a public setting by a lady in our church and it was demonic. I had to call her and her husband to address why this happened.
Sadly they didn't want to acknowledge what occurred was wrong and they left
Pastors and their wives also undergo attacks and many people don't realise the pressures.


So listen with love, have compassion, don't take sides but discern what is the truth and then apply wisdom to resolve the issues