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Thread: Secondary abuse

  1. #11
    Resident Chocolate Monster Lista's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by John View Post
    A fairly large church in our area used to just take the side of the attending spouse. They considered the less committed (to the church/cult) to be in spiritual adultery.
    I left the church we had been attending, so that he could continue to be in fellowship. I had no clue I was going to become a pariah based on that decision.

  2. #12
    Frozen Chosen A.J.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lista View Post
    out of curiosity....did she press charges? Seems like they'd have to believe her if she had him arrested.
    No, basically she just got out and ran. She was very young... I don't know if she was even 18 when she married. From there, she became a biker chick and got into drugs and alcohol till God called her back.

  3. #13
    Frozen Chosen A.J.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lista View Post
    I left the church we had been attending, so that he could continue to be in fellowship. I had no clue I was going to become a pariah based on that decision.
    That makes me so angry....

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Lista View Post
    I would imagine most of us have walked through some type of undeserved "shunning." It's really hard when it's people that you trust, i.e. the church, or friends that were super close to you.

    FB...in the case you were addressing, it sounds like the woman needs some counseling herself.
    Yes, we have helped her with this as far as it will go. The trouble with chronic domestic violence, substance abuse, sexual abuse etc is that long before the crisis point of separation (and generally far too late) there has been a systemic dysfunction developed and built into that relationship. This is what becomes the driving force when it becomes public. The lies, denial, minimalization just goes ballistic causing confusion to anyone nearby. It's messy and awkward even for a healthy church.

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  6. #15
    Resident Chocolate Monster Lista's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FireBrand View Post
    Yes, we have helped her with this as far as it will go. The trouble with chronic domestic violence, substance abuse, sexual abuse etc is that long before the crisis point of separation (and generally far too late) there has been a systemic dysfunction developed and built into that relationship. This is what becomes the driving force when it becomes public. The lies, denial, minimalization just goes ballistic causing confusion to anyone nearby. It’s messy and awkward even for a healthy church.
    In my case, it was on going. I met with the pastor, well, we met with the pastor for counseling, so thy knew what was going on. Sorry that didn’t happen with your couple. I think if people were more transparent, we’d all be a lot happier. :)

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  8. #16
    I'm thinking if the case where the husband isnt trying to be abusive, but doesnt have a clue about women and how they tick, and may not even try, or worse yet have some chauvunistic or controlling attitude (e.g., I am the boss and king of the castle, blah blah).

    My pastor tells the story of the longsuffering Christian wife whose husband somehow had the drill sergeant mentality even in the marriage. Very sad story, she would fight depression and tried to live a godly life. But I wouldnt blame her if she left him for her own sanity. Some husbands just need the shock of a wake up call.

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  10. #17
    Senior Member Cardinal TT's Avatar
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    Sometimes things aren't always black and white.

    In some christian marriages the spouse either male or female can 'find' areas of discontent and over time if they don't deal with it they will feel unloved', 'rejected' or 'abused'.
    They find others who sympathize with them and give them an excuse to get out of the marriage

    The difficulty is to determine what is genuine abuse or part of the normal ups and downs a relationship will go through.
    Sometimes the ups and downs can be severe but not worthy of separation and time is needed to bring wholeness to the marriage

    Some Christians will never leave even if they are genuinely abused and they have a right to separate whereas others will leave over minor issues because they are basically immature and don't want to deal with issues

    That is why getting marriage counsel from the right person is crucial as too many 'experts' give terrible advice

    There are believers who are divorced due to a bad decision or bad counsel and regret it with all their heart and wish they could restore their marriage but its too late

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  12. #18
    Resident Chocolate Monster Lista's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cardinal TT View Post
    Sometimes things aren't always black and white.

    In some christian marriages the spouse either male or female can 'find' areas of discontent and over time if they don't deal with it they will feel unloved', 'rejected' or 'abused'.
    They find others who sympathize with them and give them an excuse to get out of the marriage

    The difficulty is to determine what is genuine abuse or part of the normal ups and downs a relationship will go through.
    Sometimes the ups and downs can be severe but not worthy of separation and time is needed to bring wholeness to the marriage

    Some Christians will never leave even if they are genuinely abused and they have a right to separate whereas others will leave over minor issues because they are basically immature and don't want to deal with issues

    That is why getting marriage counsel from the right person is crucial as too many 'experts' give terrible advice

    There are believers who are divorced due to a bad decision or bad counsel and regret it with all their heart and wish they could restore their marriage but its too late
    I’m definitely speaking of people who have been mentally/emotionally/spiritually or physically abused. Not just normal ups and downs. Marriage and love are commitments. You have to work at them. I heard a counselor say on a podcast i was listening to, that healthy love is frequently considered boring. I could feel my hackles raise until she qualified the comment with: “in a healthy relationship, there aren’t the extreme highs and lows you experience with a narcissist. The healthy individual is usually very predictable, and life at times becomes routine.” That’s what I had with Andy; a healthy relationship. I miss that stability.

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  14. #19
    Senior Member Colonel's Avatar
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    That's one of the effects of sin, that everything else than sin becomes boring. "When sin has matured, it produces death".

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  16. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Lista View Post
    I think if people were more transparent, we’d all be a lot happier. :)
    In a perfect world. People arent transparent because they dont trust. Secondly, because they are hiding things. Hidden sin working alongside of toxic leadership is the reason for most church problems.

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