Secondary abuse

[Lista]

I've been reading a book called, "When Loving Him is Hurting You." Written from a Christian perspective, and obviously with a gender bias, though I do believe what the author has to say can be applied to men as well.

What I found interesting was what the author considers to be secondary abuse from the church. I.E. when the husband has been mentally, and emotionally abusing the wife, and she goes to the leadership of her church for support. When they take the stance, "we'll be praying for you", but there is a stepping back of support for the wife. This author considers it to be secondary abuse, that not only is the wife suffering from abuse at home, but is now being ostracized by the church as well.

What do y'all think?

[FireBrand]

I've been reading a book called, "When Loving Him is Hurting You." Written from a Christian perspective, and obviously with a gender bias, though I do believe what the author has to say can be applied to men as well.

What I found interesting was what the author considers to be secondary abuse from the church. I.E. when the husband has been mentally, and emotionally abusing the wife, and she goes to the leadership of her church for support. When they take the stance, "we'll be praying for you", but there is a stepping back of support for the wife. This author considers it to be secondary abuse, that not only is the wife suffering from abuse at home, but is now being ostracized by the church as well.

What do y'all think?

We have such a couple right now. He left her for another and with facebook it’s a mess. My wife and I have had to settle her down because (in her typical Histrionic/Borderline Personality Disorder) is slinging trash even to the point of attacking my wife for not “liking” her posts as much as her husband’s posts. I tell ya, it’s a mess up here.

She attends and he doesnt. He attends our men’s meetings. I have instructed our leadership to minister to the individual with zero taking of sides.

[Cardinal TT]

I am assuming in this discussion the husband is at fault and the wife is innocent.

If church leadership finds a husband emotionally abusing his wife then they are biblically obligated to support the wife. The husband is commanded to love his wife and abuse is not love. He should be clearly shown he is in sin and needs to repent from his abuse as well as getting proper ministry and help from experienced counsellors to overcome his abusive behaviour.

The wife also needs support from the church and getting ministry to be healed from all abuse.

Other courses of action may need to be implemented like a separation time depending on how severe the abuse was and if the wife honestly feels she can receive healing while staying together
The husband must display a willingness to be open to correction and show real steps in addressing his problem

The end result is hopefully a marriage restored with trust and agape love in operation

[John]

I've been reading a book called, "When Loving Him is Hurting You." Written from a Christian perspective, and obviously with a gender bias, though I do believe what the author has to say can be applied to men as well.

What I found interesting was what the author considers to be secondary abuse from the church. I.E. when the husband has been mentally, and emotionally abusing the wife, and she goes to the leadership of her church for support. When they take the stance, "we'll be praying for you", but there is a stepping back of support for the wife. This author considers it to be secondary abuse, that not only is the wife suffering from abuse at home, but is now being ostracized by the church as well.

What do y'all think?

Indeed. I made a post on the other related thread that some have a tendency to re-victimize the victim of an abusive/adulteress spouse. If one wants to take up adultery/abuse it's certainly not required of the believer (harmed party) to maintain the relationship. The covenant breaker already broke it.

The victim does need to forgive as in all cases of being spitefully used but forgiveness and reconciliation are 2 distinct actions, one doesn't necessarily lead to the other.

[A.J.]

I've been reading a book called, "When Loving Him is Hurting You." Written from a Christian perspective, and obviously with a gender bias, though I do believe what the author has to say can be applied to men as well.

What I found interesting was what the author considers to be secondary abuse from the church. I.E. when the husband has been mentally, and emotionally abusing the wife, and she goes to the leadership of her church for support. When they take the stance, "we'll be praying for you", but there is a stepping back of support for the wife. This author considers it to be secondary abuse, that not only is the wife suffering from abuse at home, but is now being ostracized by the church as well.

What do y'all think?

I have a friend who, as a very young woman, married and had 3 kids. (I didn't get to know her till long after these events) He was abusive to her and eventually she found out he was sexually abusing their 2 little daughters. That's when she left him... BUT, when she went to the pastor of the church they were in, the pastor and leadership always took the husband's side and told her she wasn't being a good wife, submissive enough, yada-yada.

She lived with that trauma for a very long time, till she trusted me enough to walk her through some inner healing and deliverance. But still, to this day, (her kids are now in their 30s) she has a great deal of trouble trusting pastors and church leadership.

It's definitely secondary or spiritual abuse when the pastor and other leadership talk the abused spouse into staying in an abusive marriage. It adds to, and even causes, wounding and trauma.

[Colonel]

That sounds like they disbelieved her claim that he abused their children sexually.

[A.J.]

That sounds like they disbelieved her claim that he abused their children sexually.

Yep. They sure did. They always took his word over hers.

[Lista]

I would imagine most of us have walked through some type of undeserved "shunning." It's really hard when it's people that you trust, i.e. the church, or friends that were super close to you.

FB...in the case you were addressing, it sounds like the woman needs some counseling herself.

[Lista]

Yep. They sure did. They always took his word over hers.

out of curiosity....did she press charges? Seems like they'd have to believe her if she had him arrested.

[John]

A fairly large church in our area used to just take the side of the attending spouse. They considered the less committed (to the church/cult) to be in spiritual adultery. They also had a staff attorney on board to expedite those divorces/re-marriages. Re-marriages were always to faithful attendees/tithers. The way people were divorcing and re-marrying reminded me of Junior High School.