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Thread: One Liners

  1. #1
    Senior Member Nikos's Avatar
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    One Liners

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

    No matter where you go, you're there.

    If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

    Gravity always gets me down.

    They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

    It's bad luck to be superstitious.

    According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

    The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

    If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

    Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

    Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    Evolution: True science fiction.

    Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

    I intend to live forever. So far so good.

  2. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Nikos For This Useful Post:

    FresnoJoe (09-29-2015), krystian (09-03-2015), Monkfish (09-04-2015)

  3. #2
    There are some really good ones there!

    Gotta remember this one when people post stupid stuff on fb...It's bad luck to be superstitious.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to krystian For This Useful Post:

    FresnoJoe (09-29-2015)

  5. #3
    Senior Member Monkfish's Avatar
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    From Mr. Tim Vine...

    I've decided to sell my Hoover...well, it was only collecting dust

    I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

    Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes.

    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

    A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

    Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

    "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

    I rang up a local building firm, I said: "I want a skip outside my house." He said: "Well, I'm not stopping you."

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: "That's Abba-riginal."

    So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

    "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

    "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

    So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

    "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

    So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Monkfish For This Useful Post:

    FresnoJoe (09-29-2015)

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