Thread: lil joke at guys' expense

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

So true, so true!

I'll play devil's advocate, I ran into this last week:


Men's Rules:

1) Men are not mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it down.
3) Crying is blackmail.
4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6) Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
12) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
13) All men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14) If ask what is wrong and you say 'Nothing', we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear...
16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18) You have enough clothes.
19) You have too many shoes.
20) I am in shape, round is a shape!
21) Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight... but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like camping...

Originally Posted by Lista

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

My first thought when reading this was that if he cared that much about his wife's looks then he would either have a younger mistress or be the customer of a prostitute. There is a large area in between those two extremes of course.

Originally Posted by krystian

I'll play devil's advocate, I ran into this last week:


Men's Rules:

1) Men are not mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat, you’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. You don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down.
3) Crying is blackmail.
4) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6) Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
9) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
10) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
12) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we…
13) All men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14) If ask what is wrong and you say ‘Nothing’, we act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
15) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear...
16) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
17) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
18) You have enough clothes.
19) You have too many shoes.
20) I am in shape, round is a shape!
21) Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight… but did you know men don’t really mind that? It’s like camping…

AMEN!!!

Originally Posted by Lista

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Hilarious.

I put this up on FB…

these are all great.